Happily Ever After...Yeah Right
by Xel-chan1
Summary: Fairy tales Gundam Wing style! Brought to you by SecretMotor Inc. ^_^
1. Introduction

Xel-chan: Hi! I'm one of the authors Xellos! Better known as Xel-chan.  
  
Navi: Hello! It's me Navi; I'm on vacation, so I decided to write a novel. She's no one.  
  
Xel-chan: I was trying to be nice. Anyway, the super bitch Navi is helping me write.  
  
Navi: You know a bitch is a female dog right? So why would I be a bitch? You hate me! How could you hate me! Everyone loves me cause I'm so cute and innocent and I never do anything wrong! I'm just a little girl! I'm not helping you. I never help. I'm not a follower, I'm a leader! You're helping me! Not vise versa!  
  
Xel-chan: Get the toilet, Navi's full of shit.  
  
Navi: That's not nice! Why are you being so mean to me! What did I do to you? I'm too cute and innocent to be yelled at! Everyone loves me! Why do you hate me? How do you lift the toilet anyway? I thought they were bolted into the wall. If they are bolted, how do you lift them out? Plus, I didn't know us fictional characters used the bathroom! We always have to follow some stupid blonde boy who has no idea where he's going and you have to remind him all the time about what to do. How can you use the bathroom through all that? ~gasp~  
  
Xel-chan: Umm, ooookay that was a mouthful. Hey, is that Heero?  
  
Navi- What? Where? Hello Heero! How are you? I'm fine. Fairies don't really have emotions so I usually have to create them. Hey! There's something in common with us! Ruto and Link have nothing in common, but they're engaged! Do you think opposites attract? If that's true then wouldn't you have a chance with Relena? ~gasp~  
  
Heero: You talk too much  
  
Xel-chan: I've told her that  
  
Navi: Everyone says that! I have no idea what they're talking about though. I don't talk too much. Sometimes I find a hot topic and I like to press on it. I just keep going on and on and on and on and on like the energizer bunny and I can't stop. I just keep going and going and I just like that subject so much I start a new one! ~gasp~  
  
Xel-chan: Whatever. Yo Heero, tell the boys we're about to start  
  
Heero: You never told us what story we were doing.  
  
Xel-chan: Well that, is a secret  
  
Author's Notes: This is simply an intro to our fic. Now to tell you a few things. Happily Ever After is a series that as you may have guessed, writes parodies of fairy tales. We use the Gundam characters as actors. If you have any requests, tell us and we will gladly write it up. Thanks!!! I hope you enjoy reading and C&C is always appreciated.  
  
Disclaimer: This is for the whole series so I don't have to repeat myself. I do not own these fairy tales, Gundam Wing, Zelda, or Slayers. So there I've said it. I own nothing, nada, zilch. 


	2. Duooof!

Happily Ever After  
  
Duooof  
  
By: Xel-chan & Navi  
  
Once upon a time, there lived a young boy by the name of Duo. Duo lived with his evil stepsisters and evil stepmother. His stepmother hated Duo.  
  
"Clean this up you slob!" She ordered pointing at the crumbs she'd dropped. "No, wait! That's your dinner, enjoy."  
  
Duo knew that somehow he'd get out of this. One day, he'll see his prince and live happily ever after. However, that day wasn't today. Duo would stare out of the window; waiting for the day true love would come and take him away from this hellhole. When love would-  
  
"DUO!" A shrill voice screeched. Duo cringed. "Quit daydreaming you stupid boy and start on your chores!"  
  
"I did them all."  
  
"Well then, do them again! Quit stalling boy, get a move on!"  
  
"Stupid stepsister and her stupid chores." Duo said as he stomped off.  
  
Relena looked at her reflection. "Silly boy, he ought to be happy I took him in"  
  
"Of course mother" her daughter, Une agreed.  
  
"He ought to be grateful" Hilde, the second daughter quickly said.  
  
"Hmph, he should be lucky I'm so nice"  
  
"Of course mother" The voices rang simultaneously  
  
"If only my father were alive" Duo mused sadly as he swept the floor for the fifth time that day.  
  
But, Duo's father was alive! He was watching from a-far with sad eyes. Quickly, he formulated a plan. He grabbed his cell phone and dialed the numbers for "Godmothers Convention" and "Cupid's Junkyard Arrows (For love at 1st sight)"  
  
"Damn these machine operators" He cursed  
  
Finally, he got an answer. "Hello, Godmothers Convention, we guarantee we make you happy or your money back, how can I help you?" A nasal voice came over the line.  
  
"I need a godmother"  
  
"So does everyone else"  
  
"I need her to have shooting skills"  
  
"You plannin' on killin' someone, or just aiming for a prominent body part"  
  
"It's Cupid's arrow, guaranteed to make you fall in love at first sight."  
  
"Oh God! The sugary sweetness. I'm melting, meeellllting, oh what a world"  
  
The Convention wasn't stupid. This job would require a high priority godmother. They put Wufei Chang on the job.  
  
Duo cried silently to himself. Earlier, a courier had informed them of the ball. Duo had been so excited, hoping he could go. Unfortunately, his stepmother had once again squashed his hopes. He was all alone in this big dark and scary house.  
  
Wufei straightened his skirt. "Damn these things! They keep riding up! Screw those people at G.C.! Screw them all." Wufei began to walk to the door and tripped in his high-heels. The fairy wings were getting itchy. "Injustice! This is the only job I can be accepted to. But I'll show them, I'll show them all." Wufei secretly planned to sabotage the plan. No justice, no fair. He's on strike! Go cheap cigars!  
  
Duo's head came up when he heard something outside.  
  
"Hurry up you weak onna! I don't have all day!" It must be his fairy godmother. It had to be! But, his fairy godmother looked a bit manly.  
  
"What are you on crack?"  
  
"What are you on rogaine? Where did you get that thing, the wig store?" Now make your stupid wish. I ain't got all day!"  
  
"So much for being a kindly old lady"  
  
"Shut up you weak onna and make your wish"  
  
"Well," Duo began slowly, "I would like to go to the ball. That's it; I wish to go to the ball!"  
  
"The ball? You're going to waste your wish on the ball? Fine, it's your life."  
  
"What's wrong with wishing to go to the ball, meeting a handsome prince, and falling in love?"  
  
"Hmph, it's your wish." Wufei said as he began to grant the wish.  
  
"Now, what were those words? Uh. Hold on, I know this!"  
  
"Bibbity Bobbity Boo?"  
  
"Hell no! Oh I know! Slimy Warty Toad Skins!" Duo began to glow!  
  
"Hurray! I'm a princess!"  
  
"Yeah yeah. Now give me my $5.50."  
  
"What?! The last one only charged $3!"  
  
"Don't even try it. I'm giving you a ten cent discount cause you're a guy-princess, don't stretch it."  
  
"Fine, can I stay up till midnight?"  
  
"Ten!"  
  
"Ten! Boy is this is a rip-off! I'm calling my lawyer!"  
  
"We have a contract."  
  
"Says who?"  
  
"Says me, I just wrote it. Now sign."  
  
"No."  
  
"Fine" ~snap~ "Oooh Oooh Mr. Maxwell can I have your autograph?"  
  
"Sure!" ~snap~  
  
"Thank you!"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Goodbye!!"  
  
"Hold on! Where's my pumpkin? Damn him! I need to catch a cab!"  
  
When Duo arrived, the ball was in full swing. There was beer on the tables, and wine coolers on the floor. The "Thong Song" was pounding out of the subwoofers (bass speakers) Duo saw his stepmother and stepsisters, drunk and hanging all over the prince. The prince's nose was wrinkled in disgust. Looking around for the guards, his eyes connected with Duo's. It was love at first sight. Suddenly, a guard stumbled into Heero startling him from drowning in the beautiful amethyst eyes.  
  
"So Heeeeerrrrrrooooo, ya gonnnnnaaa drink something or whhhhaaaaat" The guard slurred leaning on Heero's shoulder.  
  
"Omae O Koruso" Heero threatened the guard.  
  
"Thhaaaaats alright, you never kill the ones ya threaten"  
  
Heero moved causing the guard to floor  
  
"Ooooh, the pain"  
  
Heero began walking towards the beautiful angel that had found its way into his home. Heero finally reached her, wading his way through drunken bodies. Just as he went to grab her hand, the clock struck ten. His beauty looked stricken. She then went to flee down the stairs.  
  
"Wait!" Heero yelled after her, "What's your name?"  
  
"My name is Du-ooof!"She fell down the remaining stairs.  
  
Heero winced, that had to hurt. She got up and kept running. You had to admire a girl like that. It was at that moment that Heero noticed that she had left behind a sneaker.  
  
"I'll find my beauty yet" Heero said determined as he walked back. "My beautiful duooof!"  
  
Relena looked at her stepson carefully. He looked just a bit too happy. He was humming a song from last night while cleaning. Had he been there? Was Relena's evilness slipping? All Relena could remember was a hell of a headache she'd waken up with. Just then there was a knock at the door. Gossip had it that the prince was looking for some woman from last night. Hopefully it wiuld be one of her girls.  
  
In his mind, Heero could still see the beauty. Her eyes filled with intelligence and her face as she fell down the stairs. He winced, bad memory. Hopefully he'd find Duooof here. Though, Duooof was an awfully strange name.  
  
"You know your highness, this is almost all of the homes in the kingdom. If we don't find her here you will be forced to."  
  
"Shut up"  
  
"Yes sir, shutting up sir"  
  
He hated annoying reminders form annoying people. Just the the dor was opened. A blonde woman curtsied to him.  
  
"Good Afternoon your highness, what brings you to our lovely home on this lovely."  
  
"Can we just get to the point, I ain't got all day ya know."  
  
"Umm, okay," Relena checked the script "Alright it says I'm supposed to beg you to marry pig daughters, you find Duo by accident, you live happily ever after. Got it!"  
  
Relena put on the puppy eyes. "Please prince, I ask that you consider my lovely refined.." *bump bump bump* Her ugly fat and totally unrefined daughters fell down the steps.  
  
"I sure hope you have another pair of daughters cause that pair ain't working for you" Heero snickered. Just then he caught movement in the corner of his eye once again. "Who is that in the kitchen?"  
  
"Oh, that's the maid."  
  
"May I meet this maid"  
  
"Duo!" Relena called curiously.  
  
"Yes," he mumbled poking his head from the kitchen.  
  
There, he or she, Heero couldn't tell, was. The beauty from the night before! Heero and Duo later got married and lived happily ever after. Relena was mad because evil stepmothers anonymous might take way her license. Hey, they'd done it to Snow White's stepmother.  
  
~The End~ 


	3. Survey Says

Xel-chan: Hi! SecretMotor Inc. here again. It's time for Survey Says! Now, there's something I was supposed to say, oh yeah, reply must be five lines. Duo starts!  
  
Duo: Me falling down the stair was not funny. Me being a princess was not funny. (hyperventilating) And now that I think of it, the whole friggin' story wasn't funny! (calmer) However, Wufei being the fairy godmother was a chance that the gods of heaven have granted me.  
  
Xel-chan: Great! Heero you're next!  
  
Heero: It was idiotic, mushy and stupid.  
  
Xel-chan: Five lines gun boy  
  
Heero: Hn. The grammar was horrible, the plot was stupid. Spell check was your only saving grace. The humor was mediocre at best. Wufei in a skirt, fairy wings and high heels was a sight I coulda done fine without, has it been five lines yet?  
  
Xel-chan: Yeah, but I wanna hear the rest  
  
Heero: Hn. You made me sound like a love sick idiot.  
  
Duo: The idiot part's right though  
  
Xel-chan: Gentlemen please. Link's next!  
  
Link: The plot was stupid. The main character was a guy. That was the sickest form of cross-dressing I have ever seen. And making this guy (points to Duo) a princess was the BIGGEST change.ever! Don't expect me to save him Navi, he's too far gone. Sadly, I still can't tell if he's a boy.  
  
Navi: Oh lighten up Link! You don't have to save Duo cause its only a story and in stories you can do whatever you want! Like you can make Duo a bunny rabbit and it'll be okay! I like stories a lot cause most of the time they aren't real cause if they were I'd have nightmares from all the monsters and bad guys and evil people! But I shouldn't be scared cause I got Link and he's the Hero of Time so he can always kill all those bad guys! The master sword is heavy sometimes which is why Link is so strong. He's not weak like those two pilots who have to kill people with guns and heavy machinery. I want a gun too cause sometimes a fairy.  
  
Link: Ok Navi breathe  
  
Heero & Duo: No more God please no more!  
  
Xel-chan: What makes you think Duo's a boy?  
  
Link: Cause if he's a girl, wouldn't his name be Dua?  
  
Xel-chan: Umm, well, that is a secret.  
  
Duo: What about your opinion?  
  
Xel-chan: That's a secret too, get over it!  
  
Link: Now! There's a surprise! What's with you and secrets? That's a secret, this is a secret. Hey Xel, what's 2+2?  
  
Xel-chan: Well, umm, that's a secret also!  
  
Heero: I think she's just covering the fact that she doesn't know the answer  
  
Navi: I don't like secrets cause sometimes the have gossip and gossip is bad cause you make fun of people and that hurts peoples feelings. People should be nice to one another and quit making fun. Like I can say some nice things about you guys! Like Heero. I'll get back to him. Duo! He can get into a lady's night out pub for free! And Link can run around in a skirt and call it a tunic and Heero can. Heero can. Well Xel has a way of getting on your nerves cause she talks too much and Heero. Heero.  
  
Link: It's a tunic! A TUNIC!  
  
Duo: I think my masculinity is being threatened. First this story, now this pixie thingy  
  
Xel-chan: And she says I talk too much  
  
Heero: Omae O Koruso pixie girl  
  
Navi: Hey that's sexist! I'm a fairy, a god damn fairy! I hate it when people call me pixie girl! It's not my fault I glow and crap! **$#*  
  
Link: Don't worry Tinker Bell, You're no pixie. You're a bitch on wings.  
  
Duo, Heero, & Xel-chan: Agreed!!  
  
(Navi starts crying)  
  
Link: At least she can't talk  
  
Navi: Link that was a mean thing to say to poor little me! Don't ever try to act like you don't care about me, cause you do! The whole beginning plot of one of your games was to find me! Zelda says I'm pretty and she wants a fairy just like me cause I'm so sweet! So what do you have to say to that huh?  
  
Link: Anyone want a fairy?  
  
(Navi starts to cry again)  
  
Duo: Get that pixie thingy away from me!  
  
Heero: Omae O Koruso Pixie girl  
  
Navi: That's not my name you *****! My name is NAVI! You're just mad cause you're destined to marry Relena! There's nothing you can do about it too! No matter how much you're in love with him.  
  
Link: I can swear it's a her. I know nothing though! I should die right now and end it!  
  
Navi: Jump! Jump! Jump!  
  
(Link pulls out a dagger)  
  
Link: Goodbye cruel world!  
  
(stabs himself)  
  
Navi: Noooooooo!  
  
(Link laughs)  
  
Navi: That was so mean!  
  
Link: Got ya!  
  
Navi: Go jump off a bridge!  
  
Link: OK!  
  
Duo: They scare me  
  
Heero: Hn  
  
Duo: Ya know Heero, you've been talking a lot lately  
  
Heero: Hn  
  
Duo: Umm, who are you in love with?  
  
Navi: Heero fell in live with Relena WAY back when that stupid TV series started. The way he was gaping at her was sick! He got over it fast though and now he's trying to find a new love. Only one problem. No one would love a boy like he! Except for another boy. Enter Duo Maxwell.  
  
Link: No one loves me either!  
  
Navi: Sure they do! Lose the skirt and the stupid hood and presto! Instant cutie pie!  
  
Link: It's a tunic you sick minded freak! A tunic! Not a skirt.  
  
Navi: Sure.  
  
Link: (mumbling BAD words)  
  
Duo: Where'd you get your info?  
  
Navi: I'm a Gundam Wing fan.  
  
Duo: I do not have a cruch on Heero!  
  
Link: NO! Wait. aren't you a. NO!  
  
Navi: Tsk tsk. Shove him off Heero.  
  
Heero: Who said you had a crushon me? You made that up yourself baka!  
  
Navi: What's a baka?  
  
Link: Probably another form of bitch.  
  
Navi: Well! See how mean he is to girls? That proves he's gay!  
  
Link: Or it proves you're annoying, stupid, and your mouth is about as wide as the Hover Dam  
  
Duo: Baka actually means idiot.  
  
Heero: Why is my sexuality suddenly a discussion between the skirt boy and the pixie girl?  
  
Link: Trust the Jap to find a nickname for me  
  
Navi: Another reason why he's gay  
  
Link: Cause he's a Jap?  
  
Navi: No cause he likes your skirt  
  
Link: Tunic  
  
Heero: Number one, I do not like his skirt. Number two, my sexuality isn't your business.  
  
Duo: Yeah! Heero can be gay if he wants to!  
  
Xel-chan: Isn't that an insult?  
  
Link: Number 1, TUN-IC sound it out. TUN-IC. Definition: NOT A SKIRT  
  
Navi: Number 2, all of you guys are gay so GET OVER IT.  
  
Link: Now I know you're not talking about me.  
  
Duo: That dude's (points to Link) probably more gay than me, at least I don't wear a skirt.  
  
Link: (clears throat) Sure. Your hair speaks for itself.  
  
Duo: Don't dis the hair skirt boy  
  
Link: On no! So what shampoo do you use? Rogaine? Does it turn women on? Yeah~cough~right  
  
Duo: Wrong again skirt boy! I'm not even interested in women, whoops, didn't mean to say that  
  
Heero: Omae o Koruso Skirt Boy  
  
Link BOOM! HAH!  
  
Navi: Admits it! Yes! 


End file.
